Humor - "Serious things can only be understood through laughable things." - Plato
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left. - Anon
In the beginning, there was nothing, which exploded. - Terry Pratchett
I have nothing to say and I'm saying it. - John Cage
Thank God for nothing, there's nothing to worry about. - Anon
In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. - Douglas Adams
Get the facts first. You can distort them later. - Mark Twain
Mike the Headless Chicken:The Amazing,
true story of this famous fowl dates back to September 10, 1945 when Mike, a young Wyandotte rooster, was about to become the dinner of Fruita, Colorado, farmer Lloyd Olsen. With a sharp ax in hand, Mr. Olsen firmly held Mike, preparing to make the bird ready for his wife Clara's cooking pot. Mr. Olsen swung the implement, thereby lopping off poor Mike's head. Mike shook off the event, then continued trying to peck for food. Mike's will to live remains an inspiration. It is a great comfort to know you can live a normal life, even after you have lost your mind.
true story of this famous fowl dates back to September 10, 1945 when Mike, a young Wyandotte rooster, was about to become the dinner of Fruita, Colorado, farmer Lloyd Olsen. With a sharp ax in hand, Mr. Olsen firmly held Mike, preparing to make the bird ready for his wife Clara's cooking pot. Mr. Olsen swung the implement, thereby lopping off poor Mike's head. Mike shook off the event, then continued trying to peck for food. Mike's will to live remains an inspiration. It is a great comfort to know you can live a normal life, even after you have lost your mind. Hilarious true story of a chicken that lived 18 months after becoming headless.
Despair.com :-( Home of the Demotivators:Increasing Success by Lowering Expectations. Hilarious parody of office life and the success paradigm, not for those who take themselves too seriously, i.e. " FEAR: Until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore, you will not know the terror of being forever lost at sea." http://www.despair.com/indem.html
World Death Rate Holding Steady At 100 Percent: humor from The Onion: despite the enormous efforts of doctors, rescue workers and other medical professionals worldwide, the global death rate remains constant at 100 percent. " I was really hoping, what with all those new radiology treatments, rescue helicopters, aerobics TV shows and what have you, that we might at least make a dent in it this year," WHO Director General Dr. Gernst Bladt said. "Unfortunately, it would appear that the death rate remains constant and total, as it has inviolably since the dawn of time." http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39236
Ten Rules for Being Human by Cherie Carter-Scott
1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."
4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."
7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.
Killer Quiz: Can you tell a coder from a cannibal? Try to work out which of the following spent their time hacking computers and which preferred hacking away at corpses instead. Take the test at: http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/
'Tis not a wise man who puts a wet dog in the microwave. --- Anonymous
Inside every older person is a younger person -wondering what the hell happened. --- Cora Harvey Armstrong
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. --- Katharine Hepburn
Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. --- Woody Allen
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity and I'm not sure about the former. --- Albert Einstein
A television is a device you can sit in front of and watch people do things that you could be doing, if you weren't sitting there watching them do it. --- Anon
If there's anything more important than my ego around,
I want it caught and shot now.
- Douglas Adams
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Q: What does a Zen monk say to a hot dog stand vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
Q: What does the vendor say when the monk asks for change for his twenty dollar bill?
A: Change comes from within.
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The only people who rejoice at births and mourn at funerals are the parties that aren't involved. - Mark Twain
The law does not pretend to punish everything that is dishonest. That would seriously interfere with business.--- Clarence Darrow
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. - Lily Tomlin
Definition of Success:
At Age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At Age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At Age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At Age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At Age 35 success is . . . having money.
At Age 50 success is . . . having money.
At Age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At Age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At Age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At Age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
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If it kills me, I'll never do it again. --- Anon
Why are there more old drunks than old doctors? --- Anon
What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork to my lunch? --- W.C. Fields
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --- Ernest Hemingway
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. - Hunter S. Thompson
A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished. --- Anon
- Classified bloopers:
- Illiterate? Write today for free help.
- Auto repair service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
- Our experienced mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
- Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
- Stock up and save. Limit: one.
- Semi-annual after-Christmas sale.
- 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
- Dinner special- turkey $2.35; chicken or beef $2.25; children $2.00
- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
- Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
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Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Ever stop to think and forget to start again? Give me ambiguity or give me something elseOkay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. "Thank you for calling the Whacko Hotline..."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 .
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."
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A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter.
"Welcome!" he says. "Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance."
"Okay," says the blonde.
"Here's your question: name two days of the week that begin with the letter T."
"That's easy. Today and tomorrow!"
"Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?"
"That's easy. Twelve!"
"Twelve?"
"January second, February second, March second -- "
"Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Well, Okay. I'll give you one more chance. What's God's name?"
"That's easy. Howard!"
"Howard?"
"You know -- 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...
EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.
MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."
BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.
TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.
TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
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On a stormy night a nun stumbles across a monastery seeking shelter. She is treated to a fish and chips dinner and goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She meets two brothers. The first one says, "I'm Brother Michael and this is Brother Charles."
I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner," said the nun. "Who cooked what?"
"Well, I am the fish friar," said Brother Charles. She turned to the other Brother and said, " Then you must be...?"
"I'm the chip monk," Brother Michael replied.